|5 minute read|
April is rolling in and my mind can’t comprehend that this much of the year has come and gone. March seemed more like an opportunity to implement the missing parts, search for the pieces you still might be craving, and retreating to reflect. The first two months of the year appeared as a dress rehearsal, at least to me. A test-run to see what has the potential to work and what was okay to let go. But in March I found a certain surrender, no longer feeling a need for control; the cardinal rule being that things will happen, so let it take form. Having the courage to explore rather than force, enjoy rather than pine. With this, I didn’t muse over material things, but rather new ways of being I felt I stumbled upon, that I hope will carry me through April, and beyond, that hopefully resonates with you too.
As simple as it is, in March I did a tremendous amount of nothing. Not in a ‘head empty’ way, but in a consciously aware way. With my aching bones from a long day at work laying heavy in my bed, I found myself not wanting to stare at my phone screen, blue light saturating my face. I didn’t want to search for an attention span to watch a show or a movie, I didn’t feel like mustering the strength to turn a page of a book or magazine. So I laid there, often with a candle burning and a record on, and just existed. Leaving breadcrumbs in my mind, wherever my thoughts would wander off to. Carving out the time to think things out that I was meaning to make sense of, or muse over my goals, or even indulge in daydreams, like I so passionately mentioned before. And it was nice. Towards the end of the month, I started craving these nothing sessions because they left me satiated like nothing else did. I didn’t feel guilty for scrolling too long or procrastinating my nightly shower. Time spent with yourself is always time well spent.
In March, I was always moving to some sort of music. Creating and shifting the soundtrack that generated my day, that accentuated my mood or feelings or intentions of the moment. It might seem silly, but I mused over Spotify Daylists. From “main character electric guitar saturday afternoon” to “80s pop retro wednesday evening” even to “new romantic alternative sunday night”, I loved the surprise of how Spotify was perceiving me. All in good humor, there is almost no choice but to embrace these strung-together titles, because yes, I did listen to Stairway to Heaven four times in a row after listening to Tame Impala all day, I can’t deny it. More so, I liked how oddly specific the explanation is, completely illustrating how your music taste fits into the complexity of the folds and curves of you, regardless if you are having a weepy bathtub monday or a new wave funk fest thursday.
Piggybacking off the topic of music, I was listening to a song that reminded me of a friend I have from a little bit ago. And instead of just thinking of her and moving along, I decided to reach out to her, see how she was doing, exchange words as a transaction of friendship, “hey I still think of you.” After this, March became all about reaching out to people the moment they crossed my mind. There is no time to waste in telling people you love them. My grandpa, an acquaintance, someone I was meaning to hang out with, two friends from two summers ago. “Just thinking of you” goes a long way these days, and afterwards, I felt so lucky, so full of gratitude to have so many people to think about. Granted, you can’t reach out all the time, but reaching out when you can is what counts. Making time to talk more to people has always been a resolution of sorts to me, but I am glad I found how to do so in an organic way. Enjoy the little interactions when they come around, even if it takes a week or two to curate a response (sorry), everyone has a place in my mind.
Old habits die hard, and something I stepped away from last month was making excuses, as best as I could. It is so comfortable being comfortable, but staying in that state for too long tends to make me stir crazy, and almost too introspective. Suddenly I am questioning everything I have ever done and everything I want to do. But leaning away from the known and doing something exciting seemed to be the cure for that. Who knew such a simple solution could be made by putting on an outfit, doing a full face of makeup and just going out. Because of this adopted mindset, I felt like I had fun. The little voice that would creep up and ring in my mind saying, “don’t you want to sleep in? Why go out when you can stay in bed? Just relax!” didn’t get much say in March. Sure I got maybe three hours of sleep after agreeing to a night out and having to wake up the next day at 6:00am. Or still going to hang out with a friend after a moment of car sickness and seeing where the night took us, proving to be a party of a night. Letting ‘yes’ take precedence over the excuses is a prime example of not having to do something, but getting to. Do it all because you can, and we are all full of life! Surrendering to the moments life hands out, because why not? Comfort will always be there, but the experience might not.
The overall muse of the month however was redirection. I can absolutely be the poster child for angst and “woe is me!” whenever something goes south, but for some reason in March I didn’t feel the need to question these stressful events as much as I used to. When things got tricky, or when they didn't go the way I intended, I found it peaceful. Things were happening this way because they were supposed to happen this way. A major shift, a major change happened in my life, and I remained somewhat stoic. All my plans erased, my timeline nonexistent anymore, and my gut reaction was elation. “Why did something like this happen to me” turned into "why is this happening for me?” Where do I need to be guided? I found myself so foolish to think that there is such a thing as being unlucky. When things unravel, it is to begin anew. When things take a turn, it is to be redirected. When things aren’t as they used to be, it means there is wisdom to gain. Don’t ever think that the universe, God, a higher power, whatever you believe in, doesn’t have your back. The hand that is dealt is always a winner.
With this, we have already begun a new month. One full of new possibilities, new discoveries, and a new set of musings to become accustomed too by the end. See it through and you might be surprised, whatever happens, happens. Just exist to find your way.
until there is more to talk about,
natalie <3
