|3 minute read|
Overthinking, indecisiveness, anxiety, pressure, tension, nervousness, panic. Whatever you want to call it, whichever you feel, we have all been there before. And on this particular Tuesday, when everything else seemed generally good, the air was still thick with this worry. I was absorbing the troubles of others around me, suddenly everything I had to do had to be done that second, I needed to be in two places at once, and I was short on time, and, and, and… Then I realized; it was my friend Stress calling, and without looking at the caller ID, I had answered, unwillingly letting her walk right into my tense Tuesday.
My friend Stress and I know each other very well, some even say we’re like sisters. She’s always been there in important moments of my life; when I was trying to lose my first tooth and it wasn’t pulling out right, my first day of sixth grade, breaking my foot, competing my first dance solo, taking my drivers test, going on my first date. She is always by my side through any event! But once I got a little older, we sort of had a falling out. I'd say she was a little too clingy for my liking, I wanted us to grow our separate ways, see if we could be a little more independent. And begrudgingly she agreed, but every now and again she sneaks her way back into my life somehow, someway, and usually for no reason at all.
Amidst this trying Tuesday, I was working a double shift, had errands to run, and had only gotten five hours of sleep the night before. Despite the unfortunate circumstances, I felt rather upbeat, smiling at strangers and singing in the car. Yet suddenly, there was Stress, attached to my hip. All at once, everything I was doing felt so dire. I was walking so briskly through the grocery store, people were darting out of my way. I was yelling at people driving five under the speed limit, and I only had five minutes before I had to be somewhere else. But within my commotion, a single ray of light skipped across my mind; “Is this a life or death moment? What is telling me I have to be worrying so much? Is there a literal gun to my head?” The simple answer: no.
For one second it clicked, Stress did not need to be invited to every single moment I lived. Sure, for some things it is okay for Stress to tag along; the necessary things; the ‘good stress’. Before a test, before a competition, before a meeting. The body’s natural response, simple fight or flight. But in no way did I need to be losing my head while getting a six pack of smart water at the Smith’s around the corner. Can we rain check on our friend Stress? When the heart beats a little faster, when the butterflies wake in our stomach, can we simply say, “no sorry! I’m busy right now! Can’t today!” In most cases this is of course, easier said than done. But taking that one second to ask myself why I was stressed, let me escape the riptide and breathe fresh air.
Yet my moment of clarity was short lived, and after I clawed my way through the day, I found that Stress was in my passenger seat, hitching a ride home with me. Washed in worry, my mind was swarming with what if’s, second guessing, and general apprehension. I worked myself up over my busy schedule and my upcoming travel. Oh how could I get everything done! Woe is me! But once again, a gap in the chaos. I used to dream of being busy, jet-setting on the weekends. Why am I so stressed over something I wanted so badly? Stress almost seemed like a bad habit that was hard to kick. Once I was doing something out of my comfort zone or out of the status quo, there Stress was, bags packed, wide grin, ready to follow me wherever I went. But I made a new friend along the way; excitement. She was way cooler than Stress but, I could never tell her that. If I am always overburdened about things that should excite me, things that are filled with such eagerness, my first reaction will always be stress. My brain, my thoughts, wired against me, would always seek the tribulations out of something that could be sweet. Moments sour before they even arrive, worry and fear of trying something new. No fun.
And so I wondered, is it worth the stress? The cortisol spike. The sweaty palms and quickened heartbeat. Usually the answer is no. Why stress over something that calls for excitement or happiness instead? Can we talk back to Stress? Can we figure out how to stop Stress before she starts? Tell her that she’s not on the guest list or didn’t RSVP early enough. Tough as it is, some friend groups just don’t mix.
At this point, it is pretty apparent that I am high strung. I mean, I was so stressed about what to write about that I had to write about being so stressed. But then there is my brother, who I asked once in our kitchen, half-passed midnight, if he ever felt stressed, particularly over life. To which he replied with a smug, quick “no”. He said he doesn’t ever worry, it wasn’t worth it. There was Nicholas, shrugging through life, and there was me, panicking through the same one. I remember when he almost missed a flight, his response to my mom over the phone was, “yeah, sucks, I’ll get another one.” I remember when I had to unpack and repack my suitcase at the aiport because it weighed over 50 pounds and I cried over the phone with my mom all the way to my gate. (How she deals with the both of us, I’ll never know). My brother doesn’t have a friend named stress. I guess you really are who you surround yourself with.
But on my worrisome way home on that frightful Tuesday, it happened to be a full moon. And as I turned off the freeway, listening to Florence and The Machine, I pulled over to take a picture. In the middle of the road, hazard lights on, I wanted to remember the moon that night. The autonomy to make this choice, no shame. The wind flung my hair about my face, and for a second I just stood still. Muffled lyrics through my car, “and it's hard to dance, with the devil on your back, so shake it off.” This was my biggest sip of fresh air I had all day. As I climbed back into my car, Stress was no longer there. Suddenly it was better, when everything is put in perspective. The key is cognitive awareness. Separating yourself from the Stress. I guess toxic friends do exist. But stress, worry, panic, anxiety, nerves, whatever you call it, whatever you feel, is separate from us. You are your own person, stress is just an extension of you, not the entirety. There is too much to enjoy to spoil it with worry. My friend Stress won’t be calling me much anymore, I blocked her number.
don't worry, be happy,
natalie <3
